we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
