I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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