Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
