I wanna passion pit in your ass
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
