I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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