Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
