you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
