Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
