I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
