I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
