So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
