So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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