We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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