Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
