ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
