Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
