apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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