The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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