Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
