where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
