dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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