2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
