i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
