Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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