I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
