I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
