new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
