i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Pants are for mortals
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
