Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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