When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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