I've blown a few things in my day
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
