We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
