she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
