We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I wish there were birth control emojis
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
