The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
