So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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