Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
