Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
