What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
