I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
