you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
