Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
