Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
