I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
