there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
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