I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
