Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
