I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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