Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
