i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
