Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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