Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
